Grief

Grief will pierce the strongest of hearts; blackening them and leaving them open to the evil hiding amongst the living world.

I wasn’t always the evil cat everyone assumed I was. Stories spun from the jaws of cats that differ from me have a funny way of changing over time. Little scratches become huge gashes. Accidents become accusations. But I know I wasn’t all that good of a cat. Heck, I wanted to do the same as my father. Take over the Clans. Rule over them with a bloody claw. Power, that was what I’d wanted. But not from the moment I had been born. I was innocent once. A little kit who was only concerned with catching that bright blue butterfly, reaching the log that peered out of the long grass, beating my brother…

I was normal too, once, a long time ago.

~/000\~

Soft beams of sunlight drifted into the hole in the tall pile of logs, illuminating the sleeping animals within. Three kits lay nuzzled up to each other and their mother, a sleek tawny coloured she-cat. She dozed lightly, her black tipped ears twitching as she dreamed off racing through a richly coloured forest. Behind her bounded a muscular tabby tom, amber eyes glinting in amusement.

The movement of the kits at her belly brought the she-cat from her dream, the laughter still ringing in her ears. Dead leaves crackled as small paws shifted across them. It was a sound the she-cat was used to now that her kits knew of the wonders – and dangers – of the world outside their den. She cracked open one eye lid to stare at the small form of a dark brown tabby, his snow-white underbelly glowing in the dawn streaks of sun. “What are you doing, Hawk?”

At the sound of her voice the tom-kit jumped slightly before twisting his head to stare back at his mother with pale blue eyes. “I was only looking, Mama!” Hawk whined, retreating over to his mother with sad eyes. “I wouldn’t go out without Moth or Tadpole, or you of course.”

“I know, my dear,” the she-cat laughed. “But it is still very early in the morning. Come here and I’ll tell you a story, if you want.” The sound of a story tempted Hawk closer to his mother and curled up in her front paws, back resting against her chest. He blinked up at her, a small smile quirking at the edges of his muzzle.

“What story are you going to tell me, Mama?” the tabby kit asked.

Mama went silent for a moment as if thinking of a story she might tell but then she tapped her son on the head with one paw, “Why don’t you choose the story?”

Hawk went rigid with excitement, his eyes shining happily. “Oh. Um. How about the one where you were chased by that fox!”

Tinkling laughter rumbled out from Mama’s chest and she licked Hawk’s ear. “Okay. If you want that one then I will tell you it.” She shifted slightly so to get comfortable and then dove into her tale. “I was young and very curious. Every day I used to sit on my fence and stare out into the forest, gazing at the bright green grass, tall trees and bright flowers. I’d sit there and wonder what it would be like to explore the forest, chase butterflies in it and maybe catch a mouse or two. Then one day, I decided that I’d do it! I’d told myself that I wouldn’t be gone for too long and that I’d be back before sunset.”

“I remember quiet well how different I thought the grass felt. Somehow I managed to convince myself that the grass back in my yard was fake and that the grass in the forest was the real thing,” she laughed. “But the forest was just as I had imagined it. Bright flowers, tall trees and the greenest grass. I chased butterflies from flower to flower just like I had planned. And then I saw a mouse! It was a really fat one and it sat on a small rock eating a seed or something. My stomach rumbled a little in anticipation of eating such a juicy mouse. I had no idea how to hunt it but I managed to sneak up super close to it!”

Hawk leaned forward excitedly, “Then what happened!?”

“A fox jumped out of the bushes behind me, yapping and snapping loudly. The mouse bolted quicker than a strike of lightning! One minute it was there, and then the next it was gone! But that just left me to deal with the fox. It wasn’t all the big, probably a cub now that I think about it. But it was still bigger than me, not to mention how loud it was being. I don’t think I have ever run as fast as I did that day. I was terrified of being eaten by it! But I managed to reach the edge of the forest but the fox was still chasing me, yapping loudly. Then I heard Ken’s voice. Oh how wonderful it was to hear his voice. The fox took one look at Ken as he waved his stick around shouting at the top of his lungs and it took off. Ken saved me and took me home where he fed me a big bowl of milk.” A small tear rolled down Mama’s cheek.

Hawk saw it and cocked his head to one side. “Don’t cry, Mama,” he whispered, dabbing the tear away with one small, feather soft paw. “Cause I’ll cry too.”

The show of care from her son nearly brought more tears spilling from Mama’s eyes but she bit them back and nuzzled Hawk, “I’m not going to cry.”

“Ever?”

Mama chuckled. “Ever.”

“Promise?” Hawk pressed a small hint of a purr hidden behind his strong tone.

“Yes, I promise,” Mama purred.

Hawk smiled brightly and bumped his head gently against Mama’s. She returned his bump with a lick across his ears. The two purred happily together, sharing small tales, just acting like a happy family for once. The pressure of bringing up a family had gotten to Mama over the course of the snow season. Or as the Clans had called it, leaf bare.

As she sat outside the den watching her kits play amongst each other with the sun riding high in the sky she couldn’t help but start remembering the memories of Ken finding her that day as the fox chased her. The wind that carrassed her ears seem to carry a lighter tone to it, one that Mama hadn’t heard in seasons. But tone was soon interrupted by the cry of her kits as a huge bird exploded from the undergrowth they had been investigating. All three of them came shooting back to her, ears pinned back and eyes wide. But there was a gleam of amusement buried deep in Hawk’s. “That was a huge bird!” Tadpole cried. His sleek black fur was bristling.

“I bet I could have caught it,” Hawk replied smugly.

Moth stuck her tongue out, “No you couldn’t!”

“Uh, yeah, I could!” Hawk retorted. Both Moth and Tadpole launched themselves at Hawk with small  battle cries. They rolled away in a heap of flailing paws, cries and spits. Mama laughed loudly at the innocence of her kits. This was just how her family should be. Happy. Whole. Simple.

~/000\~

Time had put small muscles, longer fur and sharper eyes onto the three kits, as well as the loss of a little of their innocence. But at the same time they had grown a little smarter. They now sat at the edge of their ‘boundaries’ set by Mama, whispering to each other about a plan they had been plotting quietly about for the past few days. “Are we gunna do it today?” Hawk whispered to Tadpole.

The older tom nodded vigorously and took a gentle paw step over the ‘boundary’. It was almost like he was expecting something to jump out and force him back over the line, but nothing did. He turned back to his siblings with a bright face. “Come on! We’re going to find Ken and bring him to Mama so that she can be even happier!”

Moth refused to move over the ‘boundary’ even as Hawk bounced over it, “I still don’t think we should do it,” she pouted. “Mama would be super mad if she found us.”

“But she’s not going to find us!” Tadpole insisted. “Come on, Moth! You promised us! Just imagine how happy Mama will be when we bring Ken back!”

The light tabby she-kit took a tender step towards her brothers. “I hope you know where you’re going,” she muttered dejectedly. “Getting lost would be a disaster.”

Tadpole giggled, “Of course I know where we’re going! Mama told us all the time in her stories where Ken lived. Through the glade of flowers, past the small creek and then there’s Ken’s house! Simple!”

With a purr the eldest kit dashed away, following the map he had in his mind. They romped happily through the glade of flowers, sticking their small noses into flowers and withdrawing them to sneeze loudly from the pollen. Mini competitions were held to see who could run the quickest through the flowers without tripping over, or who could catch a butterfly the quickest. It wasted time, but the kits had no sense of time. As far as they were concerned they were having fun on a mission to make their Mama happy.

Finally, after many games and strong competitions between Tadpole and Hawk, the three kits moved on to their next destination, the small creek.

The babbling creek, with its sweet smelling aroma of fresh water and soft muddy banks, sprung upon the kits quicker than they expected. Mischievous looks were shared and then water was splashed. All three ended up wading quickly through the shallow creek as to avoid being plunged beneath the water. Hawk dunked Tadpole, only to be dunked by Moth moments later. Squeals rung out around the bright creek.

But then it got cold, and the kits hurried out of creek so that they could huddle close together. Still, they giggled amongst each other as they shivered together. Hawk pressed closer to his sister. He could see that she was shivering the most, her thinner pelt not helping to keep the water out. “You okay?” he asked in concern.

Moth blinked at him and then smiled, “Better now. You’re warm.”

“Let’s move on,” Tadpole grunted as he jumped to his paws. “Otherwise we’ll have to come back in the dark! And then it’ll be twice as cold!”

The thought of being twice as cold drove the other two kits to their paws. Both of them winged and whined pitifully about how much their paws were hurting, how cold they were, how scary some shadows looked. Tadpole simply laughed at them and told them to act stronger. It angered Hawk a little that his brother didn’t care how cold and tired Moth was. If he had been leading he would have turned them around just so that Moth could rest and be warm again. The little she-kit whimpered under her breath as her paw-pads rubbed painfully against the ground. “We’ll be there soon,” Hawk encouraged. “Just you wait.”

“I want to go home,” Moth whispered. “My paws hurt, I’m tired and I don’t want to be here anymore.” The desperation in her sister’s tone saddened Hawk. He didn’t like her to be sad or upset. He preferred it when she was happy.

Before the dark tabby tom could reply or even rub his sister’s pelt with his, Tadpole squealed excitedly and whirled around to face his siblings. “We’re here! Look! The houses Mama told us about! See, there’s the one that Ken lives in! The one with the red coloured roof!”

“Finally,” Moth grumbled.

Hawk purred in amusement and cuffed her gently over the head, “The sooner we either find Ken or don’t, the sooner we can go home.” Moth smiled at him.

The three kits ventured cautiously out of tree line, taking soft, slow, gentle paw steps. Their excitement bubbled beneath the surface but they kept it in check, being careful not to be spotted by anything that might want to attack them. Each pair of eyes was focused on the washed out red roof that stuck out amongst the pale yellow roof that covered all the other houses. Two tall trees with luscious green leaves sat at the very edge of a stained white fence. It all looked very pretty, almost too pretty.

A broad smile lit up Tadpole’s face. “Let’s go find Ken and make Mama happy!”

“Yeah!”

All caution was thrown away as the three loud kits bounded towards the fence, jumping around and onto each other. Another race was held to see who could reach the fence first and this time Hawk went just a little slower so that Moth could come before him. It made him happy to see her cheering loudly as she came second. He didn’t really mind when she joined in with Tadpole when he started saying Hawk was slow. All that mattered was Moth being happy.

Giggles rang out from them as they found a hole in the fence and wriggled under it. Insults were passed around as Hawk got stuck under the fence and had to be pulled through by Tadpole. Once all of them were through they paused to stare at the house in awe. It was huge compared to their tiny den amongst the pile of logs. Tadpole was the first to move, his eyes set on a small window that was just their height. He barrelled towards it, yowling a small battle cry as if it was an invisible enemy. Hawk and Moth exchanged amused looks and trotted after him, whiskers twitching in amusement. They watched – giggling – as Tadpole barged into the window over and over.

Eventually it cracked. Then it shattered. Shards of sharp glass shot away from the small window, whizzing past Hawk and Moth. Hawk immediately jumped in front of his sister, shielding her from the barrage of sharp glass. He whimpered and hissed in pain as some of the small shards bit into his skin, burying deep into his skin.

But it was the terrified shriek of Tadpole that sent shivers of fear up the spines of both kits. Moth wriggled out from under Hawk and shot towards the now shattered window. “Tadpole!” she wailed before twisting her head to stare at Hawk with terrified eyes. “I-It’s full of water. I-I can’t see him, Hawk! Where is he!?”

Hawk joined his sister at the window edge and stared down through the window. All he could see was water. It was everywhere. But Tadpole was nowhere to be seen. That was until the black kit broke the surface of the water, sputtering loudly. He flailed around in the water, desperately trying to reach some sort of shallow edge, but there wasn’t a shallow spot anywhere. “Hawk!” the eldest kit shrieked. “Help me!”

For a split-second, Hawk thought about jumping into the water to save Tadpole, but then he realised that then he would be stuck in there too and they would both drown. It was then that Hawk suddenly worked out what was going to happen. Tadpole was going to drown. He was going to die. “No,” he whispered. “No, no, no! Someone,” he yowled at the top of his lungs as he raced around the grassy garden, “please help!”

He paused. He could have sworn he had just heard a voice calling his name…There it was again! He had! There was someone calling his name! He just had no idea who it was until they leaped over the fence and into the yard. “Mama!”

“Oh, Hawk!” Mama cried, scooping Hawk into her paws. She licked the top of his head and then glared sternly at him. “Why are you here!? And why were you shouting for help?”

“Mama,” Hawk murmured miserably. “Tadpole’s stuck through that window. There’s a lot of water and he can’t get out. Mama, what if he drowns?”

Mama’s eyes went wide and she let go of Hawk to race over to the window where Moth was still sitting. Tears were welling up in the corner of the she-kit’s eyes at the sight of her mother standing beside her with her jaw agape. “You’re going to get him, right, Mama?” Moth whimpered, shifting closer to her mother’s side. “You’re not going to let him die?”

“I-I don’t know,” Mama whispered before she hung her head. “He’s already gone.”

The world went silent as Hawk went rigid. Tadpole was gone….forever? “No!” he screeched, trying to shoved past Mama to reach the window. “He can’t be dead! He’s going to get out and come play with us again! He has to! No! No! No!”

“Ssh,” Mama cooed, wrapping both Hawk and Moth up in her paws. She held them close to her stomach and whispered soothing words to them. “He has to go, Hawk. His father wants to see him up in the sky.”

Hawk blinked up at Mama with tears dripping from his eyes, “Are you sure, Mama? You promise he’s going to be okay?”

“I promise.”

As the grief racked family began to make their way home, Mama noticed a considerable change in her little Hawk. He seemed to be walking stiffer, his shoulders more rigid and stiff. But it was the blank, emotionless look in his eyes that frightened her the most. She wanted to tell him that Tadpole was going to come home later and play with him, but she knew that that would be a lie and lies never helped anyone. Hawk would just have to try and get over the death of his older brother. It would take time, she knew that. A lot of time and love but Hawk would slowly learn that the death of his brother was just a small bump in his path.

~/000\~

Seasons had past. Hawk and Moth had grown to be strong young cats each with their own personalities. Moth was quiet, calm, thoughtful, kind. Everything Mama had expected her to be. Hawk on the other paw had become something Mama hadn’t been expecting. She had been expecting a bright, happy, strong cat but he had become cold, snappy, argumentative and downright mean. Mama didn’t feel that it was right. She felt that Hawk’s severe change in personality had everything to do with Tadpole’s demise all those seasons ago in the basement of her old home. She’d watched him grow colder over the moons and had done nothing to stop it.

Now it was too late. She was taking them to join a Clan she had heard about from Russetfur a long time ago. Russetfur had spoken greatly of a Clan called RiverClan. The warrior had said that RiverClan was a proud Clan that took great care of its inhabitants and hardly every went hungry. It sounded like the perfect place for her kits to live. Mama had decided that her kits needed somewhere that they would belong and be able to be part of something. They were getting too old to stick around with her and Hawk’s constant chilliness was something she’d grown to dislike.

Her two kits were trailing behind her. Neither was talking and the silence was worse than the silence that came with the snows. “You’ll like where we’re going!” Mama said cheerily, hoping that it would lighten the mood.

“It better not be some stupid glade of flowers like the last time,” Hawk grumbled.

Moth snorted. “Maybe if you weren’t so grumpy you might enjoy the flowers. Besides, in that flower glade I managed to find something to take the infection out of that scratch you got from that rogue you got into a spat with.”

Hawk curled his lip and hissed at his sister, “My scratch was getting better! That rogue was asking for it.”

“Kits!” Mama warned. “Stop arguing. I’m taking you to RiverClan. I want you to join them.”

She couldn’t help but notice the way Hawk’s ears pricked up at the sound of a Clan. He’d always been very interest in the Clans after Tadpole’s death. He’d wanted to know every little aspect about them. He got very angry when she’d told him she didn’t know much. Mama shuddered at the memory that flashed across her eyes, the memory of Tigerstar telling her what he was planning to do with the Clans. She shook it away. Hawk wouldn’t become like that. He was only part of his father after all.

The smell of running water washed over Mama’s nose and she sighed. Soon her kits would be safe with a Clan. She didn’t really want to leave them but she didn’t want to join a Clan either, it wouldn’t be fair on her kits for her to be lumbering around after them as they became warriors. A sudden flash of fur rushed past her and then she was on the floor, pinned down by a heavy paw. “Who are you and what are you doing on RiverClan territory?” a voice spat.

A low growl came from the direction of Hawk and Mama squeezed her eyes shut. Blood would be shed if her son didn’t get his temper under control. There was a shriek followed by a screech as Hawk pounced on a RiverClan cat, claws ripping through the sleek, damp fur. But he was hopelessly out numbered and after a few spats with other RiverClan cats he too was on his side, pinned by two RiverClan cats. He was breathing heavily as well as growling angrily, blood dripping from a scratch mark on his cheek. “I asked who you were!” the same voice as before hissed.

“Loners,” Mama replied wincing as claws dug into her pelt. “We came in search of RiverClan.”

There was a short burst of laughter and then more pressure was applied and the claws began to draw blood. “Why would three loners be searching for RiverClan!?”

“We wish to join you,” Moth answered quickly, blushing as all eyes turned onto her. “We heard about how strong RiverClan is and we wanted to join and be strong too.”

A pretty blue she-cat appeared above Mama and whispered something into the ear of the spotted she-cat that was holding her to the ground. A grunt came next and then both she-cats looked at the spitting form of Hawk. “You can come with us to our camp. As leader, whether you stay or not will be up to me but you do look like very strong loners,” the spotted she-cat murmured, her gaze lingering on Hawk’s muscles.

And just like that the three loners were welcome into RiverClan.

Over time, Mama grew apart from Hawk. She watched from the side as he grew in popularity, strength and chilliness. Moth stopped trying to be nice to her brother. He didn’t like her at all now that he was popular amongst the cats of Riverclan.

It was only when Moth became the medicine cat apprentice and took the name Mothwing that Mama started to really think about leaving. She had told herself that she would leave. Her kits didn’t need her. One of them didn’t want her anymore at all. When Hawkpaw become Hawkfrost and shunned her all together, Mama decided that now would be the time to leave.

Mothwing cried when Mama announced that she was leaving. Hawkfrost gave a small nod and turned away, his sights set on the figure of Mistyfoot as she sat at the place the deputy sat. It made Mama sad to see her son so focused on becoming deputy that he didn’t really care that his mother was leaving him. Again the image of him trying to take over the Clans flashed across her gaze but she pushed it away. Hawkfrost only wanted to become deputy. It was something all Clan cats wanted to do.

The Clan said goodbye to Mama. Some were sad. The loner had grown on them during the time she had been a part of their Clan. And she had given them a strong warrior and a cheerful medicine cat apprentice.

Mama took her two kits to the side one more time, to say goodbye in her own way. “Mothwing,” she began. “Don’t give up, my daughter. You’re going to be a great medicine cat someday, I know you will.” Then she turned to Hawkfrost who was staring coldly at her. “My son. I had hoped that you might have been different, but I can see that you will never be the happy kit you once were.”

“Mother, I will never be that kit. I’m going to be the strongest warrior there is. I’m going to become deputy and then someday leader. I’ll be the strongest leader there is, one every Clan is terrified of. I’m disappointed in that you think I should still be a kit. Good bye, mother. Don’t come crawling back begging for us to go away with you. It won’t happen.”

Then he walked away, only pausing to shout at Mothwing over his shoulder, “Move it, Mothwing. Your mentor will be looking for you.”

Mothwing could only quickly nuzzle her mother before she had to dash back to camp.

Mama sighed sadly and left. She was beyond sad that her son was so focused on becoming leader. If he had have been similar to the kit he had been then he might’ve persuaded her to stay with him. He wouldn’t have been able to bear being apart from his mother. But he had changed so much after Tadpole’s death. No longer was he happy, friendly, playful and bouncy. Instead he had become arrogant, cold, argumentative and mean.

When she saw him again when the Clans were leaving she tried one more time to see a glimpse of her little Hawk. But he was the same as he had been when she had left all those moons ago. He’d turned her down sharply, nuzzled her coldly and then walked off. He had become even colder since she’d left. It hurt.

That was the last time Mama ever saw her kits. She never got to see her son become a power crazed warrior who tried to force his half brother to murder his leader. Never got to see her son die. Never got to see him become the shadow of his father and murder innocent cats.

But maybe that was a good thing.